November 23, Crash and burn

This semester has taken an unusual turn: My daughter became sick with a mystery illness and has missed nearly every day of school so far this semester. She has seen many different doctors and has undergone many different tests, and in fact we have an appointment tomorrow with her specialist.

That being said, I missed so much class, I had to drop. Other than that, my life is pretty much in shambles. I am wondering just how far self-loathing can take me. I seem to be tripping over myself at every turn now. I have been fighting with all of my spunk and tenacity this semester, but one blow after another has taken the fight out of me. I got laid off of work, then told that was an accident. Then I got fired, then un-fired. So strange. I am feeling a little out of love with my job now from all of this. RIght now I feel alone even though I have a great family. I feel helpless. I am hoping that there is a way I can crawl out of this mess.

Back when I used to help people deal with their own problems, I would always ask them this: What do you want for you? Looks like it is my turn.

What do I want for me?
1. A solid family life--kids that are a joy to be around who are spiritually grounded, socially responsible, and ready with the life skills they need to be launched into the world at the appropriate time.
2. Great marriage. People who love each other unconditionally, are best friends and grow old together.
3. Improved spiritual life.
4. Be a quality employee at work.
5. Be a great student.
6. Find passion for life and joy in every day.
7. Be a good partner in all of my various personal relationships.
8. Find a way to play.
9. Fix the money problem.

This sounds so weak all of a sudden. Now, how do I get from point A--being the big pile of mess that I am right now--to point B--the bright and shining wad of talent that God sent me here to be? Honestly, I have no clue.

Let's look at the first goal: A solid family life. The roadblocks in my life to achieve this are:
1. Working nights.
2. Son's football schedule.
3. Daughter's illness.
4. Husband working nights.
5. Inlaws meddling.
6. Missing too much church.

I can see a pattern here, too. Instead of doing my work, I play. I love being anesthetized by the tv and books. Any form of escapism suits my taste. Is this just my personality type, or is this something that I have learned over the years? I'm not sure, but I'll bet there is a way to beat it. I'm going to find out.

It is this cycle of needing to work, playing instead, seeing the consequences, and escaping from the consequences, and then hating myself for the cycle that is killing me. Twenty years ago, I had so much optimism that I could overcome this, and I was doing great in my earlier career, but after some pretty vicious business setbacks, I am losing my polyanna attitude. Looks like I've packed some pretty heavy baggage for myself that I'll have to deal with here, too.

Goal #2--Great marriage
I am blessed to be married to a remarkable man. He puts up with all of my c*** over and over and over again and shows me nothing but pure unconditional love. I hate disappointing him, and yet I do it over and over again. The way I can work on our marriage is to bring in more money, follow through on my promises and be more reliable. I need to make more of an effort. God bless that great guy of mine. If I look at this marriage through his eyes, I don't know what makes him stay with me except maybe a sense of duty. Remarkable man!

Goal #3--Improved spiritual life
These are the things I want to do to improve that:
1. Pray for an hour a day. Yes! An hour! My prayer list for the needs of friends and family has gotten so long that this will be simple.
2. Read the Bible every day. There is a tv program that will help me with this.
3. Go to church 3 times a week, including Bible class. This one kills me. More about that later.
4. Do service projects for others. I'm already on this one.

Goal #4--Quality employee at work
1. Well, I hate to admit it, but I think that I was put on an account that is really too difficult for me. I think that if I am put on an easier account, I will be a successful employee. It is embarrassing, but true. I'm not as great as I thought I was.
2. I think that cutting back on having the TV on while I work would help, too.
3. Re-read the account specifics and re-organize them.
4. Re-read the BOS.
5. Be on time.
6. Work more than what is required.
7. Respond immediately.

Goal #5--Be a great student
Implement study strategies such as going over notes every day, reading a chapter ahead, etc. Do homework every day. Don't skip, don't procrastinate.

Goal #6--Finding passion for life and joy in every day.
I have no clue on this one. Maybe later.

Goal *7--Be a good friend
I am trying really hard to reach out to people, I just don't get many bites. I'll keep trying.

Goal#8---Find a way to play. Really play.
If I can get the rest of this in line, then I can play. it will be beautiful.

Goal#9--FIx the money problem.
The loaded question. All of our money problems boil down to this one undeniable truth and I will hereby admit it in front of everyone--it is my fault. All of it. I can't explain right now, but I know where the fault lies, and I need to fix it. I will fix it. More on that later.

I'm getting tired now. I took a paxil and a lorazepam to help me rest. You would be amazed at how a day spent self-loathing leads to a sleepless nigannot

Please don't comment on my daughter's illness or possible causes/cures. We've been everywhere and tried everything. That topic is off limits.

But everything else is wide open!