November 23, Crash and burn

This semester has taken an unusual turn: My daughter became sick with a mystery illness and has missed nearly every day of school so far this semester. She has seen many different doctors and has undergone many different tests, and in fact we have an appointment tomorrow with her specialist.

That being said, I missed so much class, I had to drop. Other than that, my life is pretty much in shambles. I am wondering just how far self-loathing can take me. I seem to be tripping over myself at every turn now. I have been fighting with all of my spunk and tenacity this semester, but one blow after another has taken the fight out of me. I got laid off of work, then told that was an accident. Then I got fired, then un-fired. So strange. I am feeling a little out of love with my job now from all of this. RIght now I feel alone even though I have a great family. I feel helpless. I am hoping that there is a way I can crawl out of this mess.

Back when I used to help people deal with their own problems, I would always ask them this: What do you want for you? Looks like it is my turn.

What do I want for me?
1. A solid family life--kids that are a joy to be around who are spiritually grounded, socially responsible, and ready with the life skills they need to be launched into the world at the appropriate time.
2. Great marriage. People who love each other unconditionally, are best friends and grow old together.
3. Improved spiritual life.
4. Be a quality employee at work.
5. Be a great student.
6. Find passion for life and joy in every day.
7. Be a good partner in all of my various personal relationships.
8. Find a way to play.
9. Fix the money problem.

This sounds so weak all of a sudden. Now, how do I get from point A--being the big pile of mess that I am right now--to point B--the bright and shining wad of talent that God sent me here to be? Honestly, I have no clue.

Let's look at the first goal: A solid family life. The roadblocks in my life to achieve this are:
1. Working nights.
2. Son's football schedule.
3. Daughter's illness.
4. Husband working nights.
5. Inlaws meddling.
6. Missing too much church.

I can see a pattern here, too. Instead of doing my work, I play. I love being anesthetized by the tv and books. Any form of escapism suits my taste. Is this just my personality type, or is this something that I have learned over the years? I'm not sure, but I'll bet there is a way to beat it. I'm going to find out.

It is this cycle of needing to work, playing instead, seeing the consequences, and escaping from the consequences, and then hating myself for the cycle that is killing me. Twenty years ago, I had so much optimism that I could overcome this, and I was doing great in my earlier career, but after some pretty vicious business setbacks, I am losing my polyanna attitude. Looks like I've packed some pretty heavy baggage for myself that I'll have to deal with here, too.

Goal #2--Great marriage
I am blessed to be married to a remarkable man. He puts up with all of my c*** over and over and over again and shows me nothing but pure unconditional love. I hate disappointing him, and yet I do it over and over again. The way I can work on our marriage is to bring in more money, follow through on my promises and be more reliable. I need to make more of an effort. God bless that great guy of mine. If I look at this marriage through his eyes, I don't know what makes him stay with me except maybe a sense of duty. Remarkable man!

Goal #3--Improved spiritual life
These are the things I want to do to improve that:
1. Pray for an hour a day. Yes! An hour! My prayer list for the needs of friends and family has gotten so long that this will be simple.
2. Read the Bible every day. There is a tv program that will help me with this.
3. Go to church 3 times a week, including Bible class. This one kills me. More about that later.
4. Do service projects for others. I'm already on this one.

Goal #4--Quality employee at work
1. Well, I hate to admit it, but I think that I was put on an account that is really too difficult for me. I think that if I am put on an easier account, I will be a successful employee. It is embarrassing, but true. I'm not as great as I thought I was.
2. I think that cutting back on having the TV on while I work would help, too.
3. Re-read the account specifics and re-organize them.
4. Re-read the BOS.
5. Be on time.
6. Work more than what is required.
7. Respond immediately.

Goal #5--Be a great student
Implement study strategies such as going over notes every day, reading a chapter ahead, etc. Do homework every day. Don't skip, don't procrastinate.

Goal #6--Finding passion for life and joy in every day.
I have no clue on this one. Maybe later.

Goal *7--Be a good friend
I am trying really hard to reach out to people, I just don't get many bites. I'll keep trying.

Goal#8---Find a way to play. Really play.
If I can get the rest of this in line, then I can play. it will be beautiful.

Goal#9--FIx the money problem.
The loaded question. All of our money problems boil down to this one undeniable truth and I will hereby admit it in front of everyone--it is my fault. All of it. I can't explain right now, but I know where the fault lies, and I need to fix it. I will fix it. More on that later.

I'm getting tired now. I took a paxil and a lorazepam to help me rest. You would be amazed at how a day spent self-loathing leads to a sleepless nigannot

Please don't comment on my daughter's illness or possible causes/cures. We've been everywhere and tried everything. That topic is off limits.

But everything else is wide open!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Yesterday I had the sad realization that I will have to cut out some of the fun things I like to do. I was supposed to go to bunco last night, but had to call in for a sub and also let them know that I was going to have to have a permanent sub. That soooo stinks. I liked that group so much.

On the back-to-school front, today I am going to check in on my financial aid. I have filled out the forms, but we don't know what I can get since I have had financial aid before when I went to college the 1st time. Yes, I already have a degree that I am still paying for and is useless to me. More on that later.

The hardest thing right now other than the money is getting the prereqs figured out. I have to get up to speed this summer if I want to graduate in 3 years, and wouldn't you know these courses have to be taken in order. Argh! This is where avoiding sciences like the plague is biting me in the behind.

Also on today's to-do list is getting a plan for getting daily housework done. Can a house be put on automatic pilot? I hope to find out. I am a very easily distracted person, so this is going to be interesting.

I wish you could see the condition this house is in right now. Not good. Not good at all. It reflects how my mind is right now. Very disorganized and way too full. Hopefully there is a way out of this.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Today has been insane. I spent much of the day at the grocery store loading up on the half of my list I couldn't get finished yesterday. My sister went with me, so that was really nice. We have been both very concerned about my nephew who lives in another state who was going to have emergency surgery. He is 10 years old and had developed a cholesteatoma in his ear which was apparently huge and had eaten away some of the bone in his ear and had caused a little damage to a nerve that controls part of his face.

At the same time, an elderly friend of ours fell and broke her shoulder. She had been immobile on the floor of her garage for 30 minutes before anyone found her! She was taken to the ER, and I went to visit her a couple of times. I was so glad that I could be busy helping someone.

My nephew's surgery was successful. He no longer has a middle ear, so he will not be able to hear out of that ear until they reconstruct the middle ear in 6-12 months.

My elderly friend's shoulder was a clean break, and fortunately, even though she is almost 85, she has the bones of an 18 year old. I wish that I was already a nurse so that I would be able to help her more.

Why I'm doing it

So here's what happened: The Thursday night before Easter, my husband was having a panic attack over our finances. It was about 10:30 at night, and I was working (I work at home as a medical transcriptionist), but there was very little work due to the holiday which meant very little paycheck. This has been an ongoing theme that has frustrated the liver out of us.

Hubby works 2 full-time jobs teaching, and I feel like I am watching him age right before my eyes. We had been fortunate enough to recieve some financial help from his parents, but told hubby that they need financial help returned. I can never pay that back on what I make, and obviously he is maxed out on earning potential. Over the past several years, I have been praying about my desire to somehow to participate in medical missions and have been researching nursing schools and such....so the wheels were suddenly set in motion.

As I was sitting at my desk that night, fully aware of the looming tiny paycheck, watching hubby stress over bills and paying back his parents, I suddenly turned to him and said, "why don't I become a nurse?"

I have said this to him before, but this time my guns were loaded. I had a plan. I laid out the plan for him, and I could watch the storm clouds in his eyes clearing. Over the next several hours, we hashed and re-hashed the plan. We tweaked it over and over, and we became so excited that neither of us could sleep.

Since then, I have researched dozens of nursing programs locally and learned that there is a test you have to take to be an RN. I found a practice test online, took it and got a 70% based just on MT knowledge. This was encouraging. I talked with friends who are nurses, and last week I even spent 6 hours job-shadowing a nurse in our local hospital.

Here is the thing: I have always my whole life been the single most squeemish (sp?) person you will have ever known. When I was in the 3rd grade, a kid's dad who was a doctor brought in his medical bag and showed us the tongue depressor, the gloves, and I was out before he could show us anything else. Whenever there was a filmstrip about the human body, I was the kid in the back getting revived with one of those smelly capsule-thingies under my nose (guess I'll be finding out what those are now!). And now I want to be a nurse. What changed? Well, it seems that typing medical notes these last few years have cured me. When I was job shadowing last week, I saw everything and none of it bothered me! Yay!

That is how this all began in a nutshell. There is more, but I will save that for a later post.

The purpose of this blog is to share the good, the bad and the ugly of being a mom who is working and going to school. I am terrified, but I know it will all be worth it in the long run.